To be honest, I'm not really sure where to start this post. It's been something that's been on my mind ever since this whole pandemic started, but I kept delaying it. Maybe because my feelings have changed every day and I don't want to write something that isn't truthful and then mislead you.
But perhaps today is the day then. I keep looking for the silver lining in all of this. I originally had so many ideas of where this post would go, what I should say, what people would want to hear... but I don't have a written plan anymore. Just words that are being typed out as they come to my mind at this very moment.
My escape comes in writing form. Maybe I write because it establishes some type of order for me. I don't like chaos, so writing keeps me grounded. Or so it's what I like to tell myself.
But through these past few weeks amid this chaos, I feel God has been revealing hard truths to me about myself and how I perceive the world, which honestly doesn't align with Him all the time.
I'm not angry at God, on the contrary, I'm grateful He is so patient towards me, and that He lovingly points out the Truth.
Since the beginning of time, people struggled with the love of worldly things. And so of course once this whole pandemic came, it has shaken us all.
// For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. // 1 John 2:16
What is the meaning of life anymore if I can't have __________?... You fill in your blank.
But was this style of living really what God had intended when He created us? The stresses, struggles, money-hunger, climbing up an empty ladder, perfect house, lavish lifestyle really what God called us to freedom for?
Sigh. No, Jesus did not set us free for this.
I realized my own selfishness, wants, dreams, and desires. (I'm not saying the Lord doesn't care about our dreams. Of course, He does. But He gives us dreams and desires that align with His will once we are His.) And slowly, sometimes painfully through our spending time with Him in His Word... we realize that what we held onto for so long perhaps wasn't at all what Jesus wanted for us.
What is it that you have been expecting from God? I realize that we can become so obsessive with a particular thing in our lives, a need, a prayer... that we lose focus of the One that can give us far beyond what we ask for.
Paul prayed three times asking God to take away his "thorn in the flesh", and God said no.
// For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. // 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
As harsh as it sounds, I know the Lord always means well and has a reason and a better plan for us.
I've been asked through a few close friends, how do I keep positive through all of this, in the midst of this uncertainty? And to be honest, it's not a matter of how, but NEED.
Despite my flesh telling me, "This Coronavirus isn't going to end anytime soon, all of the plans you wanted are over", I NEED to trust in what God says in His Word.
// And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. // Romans 8:28
Despite my mind wandering off and thinking of all the "what ifs", I NEED to trust the Lord when He said I will overcome this because He already did.
// These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. // John 16:33
Despite the news, people, telling me "it's going to be this long", I NEED to focus on Jesus... not the storm.
// And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. // Matthew 14: 29-32
I need to put all of my doubts aside because if I don't, I will go back to that dark place of thinking and just surrender to being angry, bitter, and anxious. A place without hope. I was once there, and I never want to go back.
The Lord says he gives us peace, even when we don't understand it.
// And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. // Philippians 4:7
And through all of this, though I don't understand any of it, I wiped my tears aside and understood that it's not my duty to question what God allows or doesn't.
He just says, "Follow me" like He did with His disciples. (John 1:43 is one example when he calls Philip).
And so I must do that, follow Him.
It's okay if I'm sad sometimes, but after that, I need to be willing to trust in the Lord and His strength and know I will make it through.
// Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. // Matthew 5:3
// For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief. // Proverbs 24:16
And so while the world runs in chaos... I know it's all in order for my Savior. If He gave ME (an imperfect, sinful person) a chance to live with Him forever, I know He can and will put an end to all of this too, in His timing.
And with that, I know my life is no longer a question mark. But one of complete peace and surrender, to the One that gave it all for me: Jesus Christ, the God who created it all. ♡
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