Wednesday, April 3, 2019

My Parachute

The sky was the bluest I'd ever seen since the warmer days of fall had left, and the sun finally made an appearance after the endless cloudy days of winter.

I drove down the winding road, lined with brown trees yet to bloom. I liked this path to my second job. It wasn't a really long drive, but it was long enough for me to listen to a sermon in the car, talk to God, or just belt out to my favorite songs on the radio. 

The views of the city skyline to the right made a perfect backdrop to the gorgeous red, yellow, and orange trees in the fall, and the beautiful green in the spring.

I was enjoying my ride, breathing in the crisp air, "all is good today" type of attitude. And then straight out of left field, one thought after another, like a radio station playing in my head... and sure enough doubts began to flood my mind. I find it amazing how your mind can hold on to voices, pictures, and scenes that can steer you in all sorts of directions within seconds. 

But these thoughts weren't just little itty bitty doubts that I could quickly shove away. No, they were the kind that had me in a shouting match for the next ten minutes of the ride, signaling into the air with one hand, as the other hand held on to the steering wheel.

I got so worked up that within two minutes I looked in the mirror, and my face was red and cheeks were smeared with tears. I kept my distance from cars so that they wouldn't see this pathetic girl driving as she ugly cried. Believe me, I 've done it enough that one time this kid just laughed at me at the red light.

'What if my life doesn't have anything I expected? What if I never get married? What if I never have kids? What if my business fails? What if I stay like this forever as everyone else moves on? God who is going to take care of me when I get older? Am I going to be alone? What if everything I thought would be my life.... isn't actually what's going to happen?

I'm 29. God am I supposed to be doing something else? Don't you know I have a time limit?! Don't you know that I'm supposed to be on this path by now? Don't you want all those things for me? What do you want for me... are you even listening?'

The words echoed as I talked out loud to no one that could hear me, except for myself and God.

I stopped and as always, I could almost hear a faint voice in my head, "Are you done now?"

I sniffled. "Lord, just promise me you'll take care of me no matter what...."

I hadn't realized I had left the radio on, and I could hear some music to a song begin to play. I turned it up so I could hear the words:

//  The fear that I'm alone
Around my neck like a stone
And gravity
It's pulling me
I've heard that You are good
And You are strong
And if I could I would believe
Help me to believe

Cause I am falling
Will You catch me?
God I need You
To be my rescue
I am broken
Will you fix me?
God I need You
To be my rescue
Be my parachute

I know I need You
To save me cause
No one beside You
Could save me now  //

The words really sunk in me. Do you know how certain songs or things could bring understanding sometimes at a pivotal moment? This song gave me a clear perspective when doubt and lies were clouding my mind.

I realized that God never promised me any of those things that I'm expecting, especially in my own timeline. Yet somehow I convinced myself I would have all these things by a certain age.

But where I messed up the most is failing to see that the Lord has taken care of me all the days of my life up until now... why would He not continue doing so for the rest of my life and future?

A parachute is such a good way to describe what Jesus is. I can't expect someone else to save me, take care of me, pick up my broken pieces... because they're not God. But Jesus is. I need to place my trust and literally let it all go.... to Him. Just like a parachute.

I know I expected many different things by now. But looking at it from another perspective, had I gotten everything I thought I wanted by now... perhaps I would've never had the time and best gift I received.

I'm getting to travel with my cousins. I got to try at photography, something I never thought I'd be able to do and began a business. I'm growing with a group of girls I love surrounded by God's Truth. I got to know Jesus. I got to spend time growing and focusing solely on Him, surrounded by my little brother, sister, family, and friends... who encourage one another in Christ.

I wouldn't trade these years for any other type of life. Because really at the end of our lives, I don't think that we'll have wished it all aligned better with "our plan". Or that we got to travel more. Majored in something else. Got married sooner or later. Had kids at a different time.

No, I don't think we'll wish that at all. Rather, all the times we shared His Truth and loved others. We'll get to see all the times Jesus sat beside us as we cried, laughed, mourned, rejoiced, and prayed. We'll get to see just how much God carried us through it all... and rescued us just when we needed Him the most. 

Song by Hawk Nelson:

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